Scared to jump!

(Phillip writing)

Rewind with me for a second. 

You are a kid, staring over the edge of this massive, abysmally-deep swimming pool with your toes resolutely gripping the rough concrete rim. You are psyching yourself into plunging into the frigid, near gender-shrinking waters. Frantically, you offer up your best impression of Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, - “He'll keep calling me, he'll keep calling me until I come over. He'll make me feel guilty. This is uh... This is ridiculous, ok I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go. What - I'LL GO. $@*#!!” 

How can you let your dad down? He is standing behind you, “Come on, son! Jump!” You feel his presence at your back and your knees lock in sudden fear. And all at once, in the eternity of a second, as you feel his loving hands shove your shoulders forward to what you feel is certain aquatic death, you try to match his force with all of your might in the completely opposite direction! A few seconds later, you bob to the surface of the water, floating! In all of your fears, you numbingly overlooked the floats that your dad secured to your arms.

You know that feeling that comes over your whole body and deep in the core of your gut during that brief moment of resistance, and then that feeling of giving in? That is where I am, RIGHT NOW, toes locked over the edge of these remaining 111 days left here in the states. I struggle with faith in believing that we will be taken care of, even though God has wrapped floats of remembrance around my arms. We have lived His provision. We have breathed in His miracles. HE HAS ALWAYS TAKEN CARE OF US.

So I sit here, watching the seconds peel away from our website’s countdown clock and going back and forth with God. “He'll keep calling me, he'll keep calling me until I come over. This is ridiculous, ok I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go. What - I'LL GO. $@*#!!” No matter what, we must keep moving forward as a result of His loving hands, I have to move from resistance to relinquish. How can I let my Heavenly Father down?